We’ve all done it.
Returned to the job that burned us out. Reached out to the friend who drains our energy. Gone back to the advisor, system, or strategy that didn’t actually help us thrive.
From the outside, it seems illogical: Why would we revisit what we know wasn’t working?
But when we step back and look at human behaviour through the lens of psychology, it starts to make a lot more sense. The pull toward familiarity, even ineffective or unhelpful familiarity, is deeply rooted in the way our brains are wired.
The Psychology of Familiarity
In behavioural science, there’s a well-documented phenomenon called status quo bias, the tendency to prefer things to stay the same, even if change could improve our lives. This isn’t laziness or indecision; it’s a protective mechanism. Our brains associate the familiar with safety. Anything new, uncertain, or untested triggers a subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) fear response.
When we’re under stress, like facing a tough financial decision, a career shift, or emotional discomfort, we tend to fall back on the systems or relationships we know. Even if those systems never really worked for us, they don’t feel risky. They feel predictable.
That’s powerful.
In fact, we often value predictability more than progress, especially when we’re feeling vulnerable.
How This Shows Up in Real Life
You can probably think of a time when you made progress in an area of your life, maybe your health, finances, or relationships and then, under pressure or stress, slid back into old habits.
It’s not because you “failed.” It’s because those old patterns were familiar. They didn’t require new thinking, new routines, or new emotional responses. They were automatic.
For example, in the world of personal finance, someone might begin working with a planner who helps them clarify their cash flow, reduce their debt, and build real momentum. But then, a stressful moment hits, a bill comes unexpectedly, the markets wobble, or they don’t get a quick answer to a question and they retreat back to a familiar advisor or bank, even if that person never truly helped them move forward.
From the outside, it might look like a step backward. But inside, it was an emotional reflex, the need to feel grounded and reassured, even at the cost of continued progress.
Understanding Isn’t the Same as Blame
None of this is about blaming ourselves or others for going back to what’s familiar. It’s about noticing the pattern and developing the awareness to ask: Is this choice coming from clarity or from comfort?
The answer to that question can reshape everything.
Because once we recognize the pull of familiarity for what it is, a psychological defence, not a well-reasoned decision, we can start to create space between the feeling and the action. That space is where intention lives. That’s where real progress begins.
Moving Forward, Gently
So how do we gently move forward instead of cycling back?
Here are a few things to consider:
- Normalize the discomfort of change.
Growth often feels uncomfortable, uncertain, and even lonely at times. That’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong, it’s a sign you’re leaving your comfort zone. - Don’t shame yourself for going back.
Self-judgment only deepens the cycle. Recognize the pattern, acknowledge it with compassion, and ask what you might do differently next time. - Build support systems that respect both your progress and your process.
Whether you’re working with a coach, planner, therapist, or mentor, choose people who honour your goals but also give you space to grow at your own pace. Trust isn’t about constant reassurance it’s about consistent alignment. - Create anchors in your environment.
If you’re building a new financial or life plan, make it visual. Make it practical. Remind yourself often of what you’re working toward, not just in spreadsheets or budgets, but in how you want your life to feel. - Let go of “what used to work.”
Just because a system, person, or routine got you to one stage of your life doesn’t mean it’s meant to carry you to the next. Honour it, then release it if needed.
The Courage to Choose What’s Better, Not Just What’s Familiar
We all crave safety. That’s human. But as we grow, we learn that true safety doesn’t always come from sticking with the known, it comes from building the capacity to choose what serves us, even when it feels new or uncertain.
Whether you’re making changes to your finances, relationships, health, or work, the most empowering shift you can make isn’t always a big leap. Sometimes, it’s a quiet moment of awareness. A decision to pause before repeating the old pattern. A willingness to sit in the discomfort of change for just a little longer, because something better is waiting on the other side.
And that’s not just progress. That’s transformation.